Had Nothing To Do So...Here

I wonder...

I recently came across an interesting article which baldly stated that there is an increasingly prevalent trend called "friends with benefits"...in a nutshell, friends who use each other for intimacy, or let's face it...a warm body in the night...& all this sans commitment...fascinating concept isn't it?

Someone brought up the argument that this kinda thinking is a sure indication of society's failing moralistic nature...in truth, I wonder whether realistically such an arrangement would work?I'm honest enough to admit that purely platonic relationships between males & females may not work for everyone per say...after all, there is an incredibly fine line to walk between pure friendship & deeper relationships...that being said, my question is...on a purely superficial level, the concept of "friends with benefits" seems ideal but as all things that involve the human heart, I suspect it's more complicated than that...therefore, hypothetically, if either party were to approach the other for companionship's sake alone...is intimacy possible without some form of commitment?or is this merely another way for the modern homo sapien to build castles in the air?*wry smile*

If I reached out a hand to you...would you take it?on my terms or would you ask for more?*faint smile*

V-Day=]

Well...another year has rolled around & a whole new kaleidoscope is set to start again=] For starters, here comes Valentine's Day again...it's odd but every year Valentine's Day takes me by surprise which is perhaps testament to my blurness considering the sheer barrage one is bombarded with at every turn considering the commercial significance of this particular celebration*soft laugh*I had a curious revelation the other day too concerning this festival ...when a friend asked me for ideas he could use to fete his ladylove I laughingly replied that I had no experience with Valentine's Day & suddenly the absolute truth of that statement struck me fully...I really have never had any meaningful Valentine's Day celebration nor gift...the one significant relationship that I did have somehow always bypassed this event whether by design or coincidence*soft laugh*I guess some people might find this sad but truthfully?I just regret that I didn't get to spend at least one Valentine's Day with him*wistful smile*besides that however, I was listening to this gaggle of females at a cafe the other day & it IS pretty amazing the store that people set by this celebration of love...I mean...they were comparing plans of all things...let this be a lesson to you hapless males out there...yes...your girlfriends & wives do compare to see whether you've come out short this year*chuckle*one poor guy actually went all out to do the whole works...if I was listening correctly, he'd even hired a stringed trio to serenade her*soft laugh*but the most touching one...to me at least...was this old married couple (& by old I mean more than 5 years) where this sweet guy set out to fix a home-cooked meal even though as far as he was concerned the kitchen was a portal from which food magically appeared*chuckle*but the best part was that when his wife came home from work she found Post-it notes trailing all the way from the door to the dining table & a smiling husband...each note would start with "I love you because..." well...you get the picture...sweet don't you think?*soft smile*to me...these kinda gifts are the best...like a softly whispered "I love you" in the dark of the night or a warm embrace in mutual admiration of the moon...the best gifts are always those that are most unexpected*soft smile*geez...I'm a closet romantic...who would've thought?*rueful laugh*at any rate...Happy Valentines Day=]

To everything there is a season,

And a time to every purpose under the heaven;

A time to be born, and a time to die;

A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get and a time to lose;

A time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;

A time of war,

And a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 - 3:8

Bar Mitzvah

Had an interesting conversation with a friend the other day...we meandered a heck of a lot in between but the basic topic was: "when do you REALLY grow up?" A seemingly innocous question but isn't it always the simple ones that are the hardest to solve?-_-" I suppose a general way of viewing it would be that a person grows up when they have their own steady job, have moved out of the house, can stand on their own feet, yadda yadda...don't know why but this story popped into my mind...god...aren't I always spouting allegorical nonsense?*sheepish smile*nonetheless it goes something like this...an orthodox Jewish girl becomes pregnant out of wedlock...in desperation she seeks counsel from her doctor who sympathetically gives her this piece of advice : "Do you want to know my definition of an adult? It's someone who wakes up one morning & says to himself, "I no longer care what my parents think.' To me, that's the real psychological bar mitzvah."

To those of you who might be wondering what a bar mitzvah is...it's a rite of passage that Jewish adolescents have to go through when they're 'bout 12...traditionally it was meant for only male children who would have to symbolically prove their manhood by reading the Torah or Jewish holy book in front of the whole congregation but I digress...having said that I don't expect people to immediately walk up to their parents & give them the equivalent of flipping them the bird...that would be stupid not to mention suicidal*wince* personally I think that it's more a state of mind...who among us can honestly say that we couldn't care less whether or not we receive unflinching support and approval from our parents?could you honestly say that it really doesn't matter to you whether or not your parents are proud of you?usually the deep-down gnarled twists in our psyches generally yearn for such recognition whether we choose to admit it or not*wry grin*perhaps it's more like one day you wake up and realise that while you might WANT your parents' approval...it's not precisely something you NEED...does that make sense?of course this is always subject to circumstances but I kinda think that on that fateful day...the thought that "I want to do what makes ME happy" might be the first along that line of thought however selfish it may seem*crooked grin*

slow learner

Have you ever felt something with a searing intensity without quite knowing why you feel that way? sometimes I think that my emotions are like quicksilver...always in my peripheral vision but never quite within reach...in certain respects I'm happy to say that I'm thankfully a little wiser where my emotional well-being is concerned...for a bit more than 2 years I surpressed certain parts of my psyche with ruthless intent...in doing that I found out something rather ironically amusing though...when you surpress one component somehow or other a great many other things get buried too...after awhile it gets to a point that everything is faintly tinged with gray...all I really got from it was a temporary sense of numbness coupled with those same incomprehensible flashes of feeling without a recognisable source...it was kinda like feeling bone weary even though you'd slept the day away...I have to admit that I'm a pretty slow learner considering that it took me 2 years to figure out that I was gently injuring myself bit by bit...that I wasn't just keeping everything out...I was also locking myself in*soft laugh*perhaps now...while I might not immediately clasp an outstretched hand...I might be persuaded to walk that one step closer towards it*wistful smile*

it's been awhile hasn't it?=]

yup...it's definitely been awhile since I last wrote something to bore the heck out of friends & other miscellaneous who have cause to visit this page*haha*in any event...thanks so much you guys for turning up at the CPA camp gathering the other day!it was so much fun catching up with everyone that went=]

anyway...I read something interesting the other day which struck me as rather profound...but hey...I'm the incredible blur wonder so watching paint dry on walls might possibly be a profound experience for me*grin*in any case...what I read was simply this: every human being is born selfish...we come out into the world crying for warmth, sustenance, air...basic human necessities really....nonetheless kindness is something that has to be cultivated...it's individually tailored to each person...formed by experiences, interaction with other people & a million myriad little things that can probably never be fully catalogued...this is probably why people so often misunderstand acts of kindness performed by other people...

no matter how close you are to a person you could probably never completely understand them...it's sad but if we could we'd probably go mad from the experience...humans are just not meant to know everything that their fellow companions are thinking...the human brain isn't the logical thinking machine that everyone wishes it was...true, in a sense it is a finely tuned machine but we're ruled by so many conflicting desires, wants, needs that it could only fleetingly bear a resemblance to a committe more than an individual entity...add pettiness & base desires & instincts & you have a regular maelstrom*rueful grin*

Would you?

Would you walk in the snow with me & scatter the pristine perfection of the snowy paths?

Would you accept my tears for you that are freely given?

Would you pull me from the abyss where I stubbornly walk alone by sheer will alone?

Would you carry me when I can no longer stand?

Would you hold on to me even though I fought tooth & nail to be freed?

Would you understand me even when no one else can?

Could you accept all of me?

Could you save me?

Would you?Could you?

No?

Then I've failed you I guess*bittersweet smile*

I wonder...

Given a choice...would you prefer to know even if it hurt or would you prefer to have your head in the dark?at times like this I honestly wonder whether or not I would be better off just not knowing...unfortunately my natural obstinacy just won't let me...I'd feel like a coward if I let myself act like an ostrich & didn't face up to what was bothering me...so there you have it folks...not only am I a fool...I'm a stubborn fool which is probably not news to people who know me anyway*wry grin*bite me*sigh*even if it kills me I have to prove to myself that I can deal with it so that I can reasonably live with myself*faint smile*sometimes I wonder...are all the people I know just tolerating me?y'see...the more I know the more I tend to distrust people...which is why I don't think I'm really suited for positions of power where I have to organise people who have to look to me for instructions...I'm at turns neurotic & brilliantly paranoid  so even though I was once told that I have leadership qualities I think I lack some important bits...for example there are just some days where I'd like to cede from the human race...take a library's worth of my favourite books...some general necessities...& go hole up in some island somewhere...build my own little cottage...isolate myself from anything & everything...I wonder how long it would take me to miss company?honestly?I'm not sure...that's probably not something leaders should say huh?*rueful grin*I'm tired of so many things...I wouldn't even know where to start...but right now?I'm tired of having to prove to myself that I can live without certain things...I'm tired of supressing things that I should've said out but didn't when the opportunity presented itself...I'm tired of wanting to have things that I shouldn't & which...well let's face it...just plain can't stand me...I'm SO tired of having to bite my tongue & smile just so I won't upset the delicate balance...yup...right at this moment...I'm tired of being me...which is stupid since I'm a really fortunate person so what the hell...I've lived with this stuff so long it's a part of me already...so...if I can't be me...who can?

Flight or Fight?

yup...the axe has finally fallen...life strikes me as very funny sometimes...& by funny I mean a mixture of the surreal & the amusing...albeit the latter in a twisted kinda way...it's odd but every so often I am given almost but not quite what I was hoping for...in fact from the point of view of most people in these rare instances I always get better than I expected...that sounds good doesn't it?*dry smile*I haven't quite been able to convince people that the only reason this happens is 'cause I have such low expectations in the first place concerning certain things that most anything seems like an improvement...as Vengga once put it...I was aiming for the ground but got the stars instead...that sounds like a good deal until one reflects that this either means I have a pretty damned lousy sense of direction or somewhere out there a cosmic joke is being played on yours truly...something along the lines of: "hey...since she doesn't really believe she'll get it...let's give it to her & more just so we can throw her in the deep end for free entertainment!"...the last time this happened to me...well...let's just say Newton's law of gravity works ok?the greater the heights that you've ascended to the harder the impact of your fall*sigh*perhaps I'm being overly pessimistic but let's face it...you never really know until you try right?unfortunately, the only bit I don't quite get is why people always have such high expectations concerning me...it's something like...there's no middle ground to speak of...it's either hell or high water & god help you if you can't swim with an asbestos jacket*wry grin*frankly...I'm worried & scared like hell...so this should be interesting*sigh*I keep having this urge to run like heck...the flight or fight response is kicking in, people, & believe me I'm rooting for the former*faint grin*

Winner or Loser?You Decide...

Life is a strange animal really...& I use this analogy in the broadest of terms...you can be intimately associated with it your whole life (metaphorically speaking anyway 'cause I can hear people going, "well...like duh!") but it can never be tamed...love it or hate it, it's wont to bite you damnably hard if you're not careful...having said that I don't believe that we're put on this earth with a pre-determined course...I would probably be one of the first people who would bite through my reins, buck off my rider, trample whoever it is but good & then run helter-skelter in the opposite direction if I caught so much as a whiff of such a condition...I once read this description that sounded more plausible...our lives are only governed to a certain extent but it's very hard to predict anything 'cause we're given choices at each bend in the road...go either way & a different outcome will occur...I don't believe that genes dictate who or what we are as people...granted it does play a significant part but could you honestly say that we are what our ancestors were?my life today would be vastly different from what say...my grandmother would've experienced...or even my mother for that matter let alone my father...an interesting theory is one where each individual carries a distant memory from the past...we're made up of memories handed down generation to generation from the moment the first living thing existed...humans however are really something else...it's entirely possible that boredom more than a will to self-improve spurred mankind on to what we are today...think 'bout it like this...perhaps the first social interaction occured 'cause some bright spark thought something along these lines : "hmm...I wonder what would happen if I hit that head with this big rock?" & thus homo sapiens began socialising...maybe not peacefully but it's a start*grin*but seriously...jokes aside scientists have theorised that humans today are descended from the best of the best homo sapiens...basically the strongest, fastest, most intelligent, meanest, etc...you get what I mean...simply put, the earth back then was a heck of an inhospitable place...therefore whoever survived had to be the best...as for meanest well...there were many other humanoid species back then as well...for example, there was the neanderthal who was an altogether hairier though no less intelligent humanoid...not to mention a race of hobbits (a midget race to those of you living under rocks who have either never seen or read the Lord of the Rings) who populated what would later form the Indonesian islands...in fact nobody really knows how many other branches there are to the family tree...well...know why there are none of either subsets presently?bluntly put, homo sapiens brutally & efficiently wiped them out...another theory states that our survival was also greatly aided by the fact that somehow homo sapiens were the only humanoids to bond together & form communities (again with the big rocks but I digress)...thus we learnt to rely on each other & the cream of the crop so to speak would lead everybody on to more fertile hunting grounds with water,arable land,etc...if we trace our genome code far back enough we'll find that we're ALL & I mean ALL descended from a select number of people (barely more than a few hundred) who managed to survive this massive volcanic eruption that happened millions of years ago...so in a sense we're all brothers & sisters really...VERY distant but siblings nonetheless...so all those priests, monks, sidhus, etc who give those sermons on brotherhood & the like aren't exactly whistling dixie either...that being the case it's pretty sad that even though we've progressed so much & so far we still can't quite get over the urge to use the big rock...hell...we've gone & invented bigger AND better rocks to boot...& this time round it ain't just to promote social interaction*snort*